What’s Up With That? #86: The Cocaine Fairy delivers to the back door

I’ve heard some lame excuses in my time, but this one touches bottom.


In Manatee County, Florida, 25-year-old Raymond Stanley Roberts was pulled over by sheriff’s deputies in a routine traffic stop. When the officers smelled the familiar aroma of marijuana, they conducted a search of Roberts’s person. During the search, deputies discovered what appeared to be a small, soft package firmly ensconced between Roberts’s buttocks. This object proved to be a baggie filled with 4.5 ounces of cannabis.

Additional manual inspection of the suspect’s nether regions turned up yet another bag, this one containing 27 chunks of rock cocaine, weighing a total of 3.5 grams.

Confronted with the evidence, Roberts told the police:

“The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.”

What say, Ray? Only some of the junk in your trunk is yours?

With this simple yet eloquent sentence, Roberts easily outstripped previous Lamest Excuse Ever recordholder Lindsay Lohan, who once famously denied that the cocaine that police found in her pants was hers, given that she was wearing someone else’s pants. I’m not sure how one would go about convincing the authorities that the buttocks upon which one was seated were someone else’s buttocks, but if it works, it works.

Apparently, it didn’t work for Mr. Roberts. He was charged with possession and is presently free on bail.

A word of advice, Ray…

Watch your (lower) back.

Explore posts in the same categories: Aimless Riffing, Ripped From the Headlines, What's Up With That?

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