From the Get Over It Department, Supermodel Division

Posted September 7, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: Aimless Riffing, Celebritiana, Ripped From the Headlines, Taking Umbrage, Teleholics Anonymous

Here’s a little celebrity news item from the Sydney Daily Telegraph:

Supermodel Elle Macpherson has revealed she fears that she looks old compared to her young TV co-stars as she has not had plastic surgery.

The supermodel is anxious about appearing on the new CW show The Beautiful Life because she hasn’t had plastic surgery.

The 46-year-old added that she is shocked at how she looks compared to her younger co-stars, including Mischa Barton and Sara Paxton.

Macpherson said: “Sometimes I really see that I’m the one that hasn’t done anything because I think people must think, ‘Oh my God, she looks old’.”

Let me see if I understand this correctly…

Elle Macpherson is worried that she looks old compared to Mischa Barton and Sara Paxton.

Mischa Barton is 23 years old. Sara Paxton is 21. Elle Macpherson is 46 — twice Ms. Barton’s age.

Here’s a breakthrough thought, Elle: If you’re chronologically qualified to be someone’s mother, it’s okay if you look older than that person. For a 46-year-old woman — which you are — you look just fine. Quit worrying, already.

This illustrates the stupidity of Western culture’s perceptions of beauty. A 46-year-old woman should not think she should look like a 23-year-old. Or a 21-year-old. Or anything other than a 46-year-old. Because it should be okay for each of us to be what we are, and not what someone  half our age is, or what we ourselves used to be two decades ago.

This also illustrates one reason why plastic surgeons and pharmaceutical companies are rich, and half the people in Hollywood look like circus freaks.

Embrace the real, people.

When I’m Elle Macpherson’s age, I hope I look as good as she does.

Hmm? I’m what?

Never mind.

Comic Art Friday: Catfight of the bands!

Posted September 4, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: Comic Art Friday

Collectors of comic art fall generally into two camps. Some collect published art — the original pencil and ink drawings from which comic books are printed. Others collect unpublished art, which encompasses drawings commissioned directly from an artist, drawings created by artists specifically for sale to fans, and convention sketches, which are essentially fast-turnaround commissions drawn at comic book conventions. Many collectors have both published and unpublished comic art in their galleries, but most specialize in one or the other.

Catfight of the Bands, pencils and inks by comics artist Gene Gonzales

As you know if you’ve been a Comic Art Friday for any length of time — whether in this location or at our prior address — my collection is almost entirely composed of the unpublished variety. The lion’s share of my holdings are pieces that I’ve commissioned myself, either directly from the artist or through a representative. My two signature theme collections, Common Elements and Bombshells!, both consist — in their entirety — of art that was drawn specifically at my request.

Why did I choose the path I follow? I’d be disingenuous if I didn’t acknowledge the economic factor. Published art, especially pages drawn by well-known artists or featuring iconic images of popular characters, can be quite expensive — classic cover art and full-page splash panels frequently run into four figures, and the truly great pieces fetch more than that.

There’s also an aesthetic issue. Because comics are a sequential narrative medium, a panel page in isolation doesn’t often hold much appeal for me. It’s a little like reading only one page of a comic book — without the rest of the story, it doesn’t make much sense.

That’s just my perspective, of course. And I do in fact drool over the collections of fellow hobbyists who’ve amassed impressive galleries of published work.

The real reasons I prefer commissioned art, though, are visceral. I relish the charge that comes with seeing, for the first time, an image that never existed before I commissioned it. And, I enjoy the satisfaction of looking through my portfolios at art that’s unique — nothing exactly like any of my commissioned pieces exists anywhere else.

Today’s featured artwork pretty well encompasses all of the joys of commission collecting in one incredible package.

The concept of a “battle of the bands” between Josie and the Pussycats and a trio of feline-themed females from the more serious end of the comics spectrum — DC’s Catwoman, Marvel’s modern-day Black Cat, and the original Black Cat from the Harvey Comics title of the 1940s — first occurred to me years ago, in one of those flashes of wild imagination that have spawned most of my Common Elements ideas. Originally, I’d thought about a three-artist scenario — a penciler with Archie Comics experience to draw the Josie half of the piece, a traditional superhero artist to draw the opposite half, and an inker to detail the entire page and give it a unified finish.

Then, some time ago, comics artist and commercial illustrator Gene Gonzales posted a Josie and the Pussycats sketch to his daily art blog. I liked his approach to these characters, so my mental wheels began turning. Gene has done several previous commissions for me, including one for Common Elements and three for my Bombshells! theme, so I knew that he could handle the superheroines as well. Plus, because Gene inks his own pencils, he could tie the completed piece together with style.

Catfight of the Bands initial thumbnail by Gene Gonzales

I proposed the idea to Gene. He embraced the scenario with gusto. Almost immediately, he sketched out a thumbnail showing how he might approach the concept. I loved his choices, and suggested a few minor tweaks. Gene was open to my ideas, and before long, we had a commission in the works.

That’s how magic gets made.

Some time later, Gene showed me the rough pencil art for his “Catfight of the Bands.” Gene noted that, because he would be inking the piece himself, he would add much of the detail as the art evolved from pencils to inks. I could already see, though, how much fun his vision of the scene would entail. (No pun intended.)

Catfight of the Bands rough pencil draft by Gene Gonzales

If you’re wondering why Gene signed the art twice, this piece is what’s called in the trade a double-page spread. Although intended for display as a single composition, it’s drawn on two separate pages of comic art board. Gene designed the image so that no character overlaps the center division. Thus, the half featuring the Pussycats is complete in itself, as is the half starring the rival band that Gene dubbed 9 Lives. In the unlikely event that I ever store this piece in a portfolio, each piece can occupy its own sleeve and still look like a complete picture.

Over our next two Comic Art Friday installments, we’ll take a closer look at each of our tuneful tigresses.

For now, that’s your Comic Art Friday.

If you’re interested in seeing the process that goes into creating a comic art commission, comics artist John Beatty recently produced a webcast, during which he partially inked a new Common Elements commission. Follow the link to view the replay of John’s webcast.

Sick thoughts

Posted September 3, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: Aimless Riffing, Blogosphere, Breast Cancer Awareness, Ripped From the Headlines, SwanStuff, Taking Umbrage, That's Cool!

If you were on Facebook today, you probably had at least a few friends — and I’m using that word in the broad, accommodative way that Facebook does — who posted the following item on their home pages:

No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.

I didn’t throw this up on my Facebook wall — mostly because, as you already know if you know me, I’m just not much of a follower.

I, however, do agree with the sentiment.

In fact, I’ll go a step further: If you don’t agree with both halves of that first sentence, there’s something seriously kapakahi with your thinking muscle.

We might debate how to accomplish these goals. We might differ on whose responsibility, and whose program, and whose nickel, and all that sort of folderol. But if you think either of these concepts is simply wrong, I don’t have any problem in telling you that there’s something wrong with you.

Because your Uncle Swan is just blunt like that.

Oh, and before you decide to pick an argument with me over this, you should know a couple of things.

One: My wife is permanently disabled with incurable, metastatic breast cancer.

Two: I worked in the healthcare industry for a dozen years, and in the seven years since, I’ve maintained several clients in that field for whom I work on a regular basis.

I know all of the arguments. From all sides. Up close. Personal.

Here’s the good news, though.

Even if you’re wrong…

…you can still be my friend.

At least on Facebook.

Iron Goofy, Incredible Duck, and the Amazing Spider-Mouse

Posted August 31, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: Cinemania, Comic Art Friday, Disney, Ripped From the Headlines, Teleholics Anonymous, Wonderful World of Advertising

This may be the biggest pop culture business story of the decade: The Walt Disney Company is buying Marvel Entertainment for $4 billion.

Already, the fanboys — and, to be fair, the occasional fangirl — are burning up the ‘Net with their prediction of what will happen when the House of Ideas collides with the House of Mouse.

The truth is simple: We’ll see.

Disney is now, and pretty much has been throughout recent memory, all about licensing. There’s no question that the reason they want Marvel isn’t because they crave a niche in the rapidly shrinking world of comics publishing. Heck, Disney can’t be bothered to publish comic books starring the characters they already own — they summarily dumped the last vestige of this connection, the hugely popular Disney Adventures magazine, a while back, with hardly a fare-thee-well — much less floppies about people running around in brightly colored underwear.

What intrigues Disney’s beancounters is the tremendous stable of familiar characters that Marvel represents — characters ripe for exploitation on toys, T-shirts, and oodles of memorabilia. A quick stroll around Anaheim’s Disneyland Resort will clue you in to how thoroughly and aggressively the Mouse House has co-opted the characters from their last mega-acquisition, Pixar Animation Studios. The mind boggles at the fun Disney will have — and the kajillions they’ll profit — marketing Spidey, Wolverine, and the rest of the Merry Marvel Marching Society.

What does it all mean for Marvel in terms of its comics line? Who knows? Comics are a dying industry. Movies and video games, on the other hand, have never been hotter, and Marvel offers a veritable cornucopia of product to churn through. I don’t know how much longer comics will last, regardless of who holds the reigns. With Disney pulling the strings, however, it seems likely that Marvel’s signature superheroes will plow ahead in one form or another for the foreseeable future, and perhaps beyond.

As for the worriers who believe that suddenly Marvel’s going to get all family-friendly because Disney takes over: (a) I’m not sure that would be an awful thing if it happened, and (b) remember, this is the company whose ABC Television Network brings you Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy.

In the words of the immortal Stan Lee…

Excelsior!

Things that make me say, “Huh?”

Posted August 29, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: Aimless Riffing, Celebritiana, Cinemania, Sports Bar, SwanStuff, Taking Umbrage

“Huh?” Inducer #1: Andy Lee, the punter for the San Francisco 49ers, hit the scoreboard at the new Cowboy Stadium in Dallas with a punted football in warmups prior to tonight’s game between the Niners and the Cowboys. Apparently, a similar feat was achieved by the punter for the University of Tennessee in a game last week.

Let me get this straight: The Cowboys spent $1.2 billion on a stadium, and nobody thought to check whether the scoreboard was high enough?

“Huh?” Inducer #2: Cinematic schlockmeister Rob Zombie is remaking the 1958 horror classic The Blob. However, says Zombie:

My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing. That’s the first thing I want to change. That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now.

Let me get this straight: Zombie’s going to remake The Blobwithout the Blob? (Memo to RZ: Someone already beat you to thisover a decade ago. How about, you know, an original idea for a change?)

“Huh?” Inducer #3: My cell phone service provider frequently leaves recorded messages on my office voice mail to alert me to special offers on wireless minutes, hardware upgrades, and such like. This week, they left me a recorded message to tell me that after September 1, new FCC regulations will prohibit their leaving me any future recorded messages.

Let me get this straight: WHAT?

Immortal beloved

Posted August 28, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: Comic Art Friday

People approach me often and ask…

“Where do you get all of these crazy ideas for your Common Elements commissions? How does it enter into your brain to match Vixen and Comet, because they both share names with Santa’s reindeer? Or Deadman and the Huntress, because their first names are state capitals?”

I simply stare at such people with calm reserve and say to them, “Stay thirsty, my friends.”

Although I can’t explain my arcane thought processes, I do recall the genesis of the Common Elements concept featured in today’s Comic Art Friday artwork. I was surfing the cable box one evening a couple of years ago when I happened upon a showing of the 1994 film Immortal Beloved on one of the movie channels. In case you haven’t seen the film, it stars Gary Oldman as the legendary composer Ludwig van Beethoven (or “Lud,” as I like to call him). In the summer of 1812, Beethoven wrote a series of letters to an unidentified woman whom he addressed as “Immortal Beloved.” The movie portrays the investigation conducted by Beethoven’s secretary after the composer’s death, attempting to ferret out the secret identity of “Immortal Beloved.” (I’ll not spoil the picture for you, but suffice it to say that the mystery woman’s name does not turn out to be Rosebud.)

As I watched the movie, it occurred to me that there are at least two “immortal beloveds” in the comics pantheon — that is, immortal women who are the lovers of superheroes. Unlike Beethoven’s unknown paramour, there’s no secret about the identity of either of these. On the left is Sif — frequently referred to as The Lady Sif — the Asgardian warrior woman loved by the mighty Thor. On the right is Clea, apprentice and consort to the Marvelverse’s Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Strange.

Sif and Clea, pencils by comics artist Mitch Foust

I chose Mitch Foust, who specializes in drawings of impressively beautiful women, to craft this pairing of immortal beloveds. Mitch drew the piece at his booth during this year’s San Diego Comic-Con. According to Mitch, the artwork engendered a considerable amount of fanboy discussion as to which of the two, Sif or Clea, would make the superior girlfriend, and which would make a better companion in battle.

From my perspective, this question — Sif or Clea? — is merely another variation on what I like to call the Eternal Question. You might be familiar with one or more of its other manifestations:

Ginger or Mary Ann?

Betty or Veronica?

Gwen or MJ?

Julie or Eartha?

Or, if you want to get all Biblical about the thing…

Leah or Rachel?

If you want my opinion — and of course you do, or you’d be reading some other blog right now — it’s Sif all the way. Oh, sure, there’s a certain je ne sais quoi about a woman who can do magic, like Clea here. But if you’ve ever seen, say, The Wizard of Oz or Sleeping Beauty, you know that those conjuring chicks can turn nasty on you in a heartbeat. Give me the broad with the sword (hah! pun!) every time. At least you can see her coming.

Also, if you’re keeping score, it’s Mary Ann, Betty, MJ, Julie — by a whisker, mostly because when I think of Eartha today, I think of her terrifying roles in Boomerang and The Emperor’s New Groove — and of course, Leah. (In the latter case, Jacob preferred Rachel for her beauty, while the homely Leah had greater domestic talents; i.e., fertility. As the late, great Flip Wilson once explained it: If you go for the homely girl, you know exactly what you’re getting. Besides, the pretty girl will get homely eventually anyway.)

Feel welcome to add your own answers to the Eternal Question in the comments section. Ladies’ perspectives (and alternative pairings) gladly welcomed — we’re all about gender equality here at SSTOL.

And that’s your Comic Art Friday.

Up from the rabbit hole

Posted August 27, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: My Home Town, Ripped From the Headlines, Taking Umbrage

Eighteen years ago, 11-year-old Jaycee Lee Dugard was kidnapped near her home in South Lake Tahoe by an unknown man and woman.

Yesterday, the woman who had been Jaycee Dugard turned up alive, in reasonably good health, using the name Allissa Garrido — the 29-year-old mother of two daughters apparently fathered by her male kidnapper. She has lived for most of the past two decades in a warren of tents and shelters in the East Bay backyard of Philip and Nancy Garrido, the husband-and-wife team who snatched her in 1991. The vehicle in which she was abducted remains on the property.

I couldn’t make that up if I tried.

Jaycee Dugard’s kidnapping occurred during a rash of similar — and for the most part, unrelated — crimes against children in northern California during the late 1980s and early 1990s. If you were living here then, and especially if you were a parent, you remember the names: Steven Collins, Ilene Misheloff, Amber Swartz-Garcia, Michaela Garecht, and yes, Jaycee Dugard.

Even the most glass-half-full person on the planet could not have supposed that one of these children would resurface intact — physically, at any rate — nearly 20 years later.

By all accounts, Phillip Garrido is a strange creature — a convicted felon who espouses cultish religious practices on his website, and claims that he speaks to angels and possesses psychic powers. What resulted in his capture, and Jaycee’s resurfacing, is the combination of these elements: Garrido, accompanied by his and Jaycee’s two young daughters, was handing out literature on the UC Berkeley campus without a permit. When campus police discovered that he was a registered sex offender in the company of children, they turned him in to the parole board. An interview with corrections officials — attended by Jaycee and her daughters — quickly revealed the unbelievable situation.

I’m sure that in the days and weeks to come, we’ll learn more about what happened to Jaycee Dugard over the course of her absence — especially how her kidnappers conducted their lives in plain sight, Jaycee and her children living openly with them, and no one ever deduced the circumstances behind the scenes. I’ll be particularly interested to hear how Jaycee lived during the late 1990s while Phillip Garrido was in prison. How did her kidnapping remain hidden even then?

There will, I’m equally sure, be much conversation about the fact that though Jaycee lived an odd and somewhat secluded life — she apparently did not attend school after her capture — she also lived without apparent restraint. She was well-known, at least by sight, by others in the community where the Garridos lived and conducted business. Yet she did not at any point contact the family from whom she was taken, a family whom — according to police interviews — she remembers perfectly well. We’ll hear quite a bit about Stockholm syndrome and related mental phenomena, wherein people who have been kidnapped or taken hostage attach themselves to and identify with their captors.

Amid all of the discussion, we’ll never know the answer to the question of how one human being could do to another what Phillip and Nancy Garrido did to Jaycee Dugard, her mother and stepfather (since divorced — her stepfather, who reported having witnessed Jaycee’s abduction, was long considered a suspect by investigators), and by extension, her children.

We may never know what happened to the other children who never came home.

The lion sleeps tonight

Posted August 26, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: Celebritiana, Dead People Got No Reason to Live, Hero of the Day, Random Acts of Patriotism, Reminiscing, Ripped From the Headlines, The Body Politic

The first vote I ever cast for President in a national election, I cast for Senator Edward Kennedy.

The year was 1980. As much as it pained me — because I thought he was a decent guy who simply got in way over his head — I couldn’t bring myself to vote to reelect President Carter. You know darn well I wasn’t voting for the cowboy from Death Valley Days. As for John Anderson… you’re saying right now, “Who?” To which I can only reply, “Exactly.”

So I wrote in a vote for Ted.

It’s the only time I’ve ever exercised the write-in option in any election, for any office, ever. It might be the only time I ever exercise it. But I still believe that, in that particular election, it was the right move.

Ted Kennedy did more in service to this country during his storied tenure in the Senate than any dozen of his colleagues — of either party, or of both parties — that you’d care to name. I’m sorry that he didn’t live to see the health care reform for which he fought so hard in the waning days of his life. But I’m glad that he lived to see Barack Obama elected President.

Was Ted Kennedy a perfect man? He was not. (For the record, neither am I.) I don’t even know whether he was a good man, because I didn’t know him personally. But he was a great Senator. I remain convinced that he would have made a great President.

I’m proud that, the one time when the opportunity presented itself, I voted for him.

Thanks for everything, Senator.

Conflict of interest

Posted August 25, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: My Home Town, Ripped From the Headlines, Taking Umbrage

Because we just can’t get enough of bizarre crime stories around these parts…

Today, two suspects were arrested in relation to a string of four armored car robberies that have occurred here in the North Bay during the past two years.

The ringleader is former Santa Rosa and Sonoma State University police officer Robert Starling.

Among the charges pending against Starling is filing a false report of an emergency. He allegedly placed the call last March that resulted in the evacuation of my (and my daughter KM’s) high school alma mater, in order to distract police during a planned robbery that — for unknown reasons — was called off at the last minute.

Years ago, MAD Magazine published an article designed to explain terms commonly heard on the evening news, using analogies that kids would understand. One of MAD‘s definitions went like this:

Conflict of interest: You’re appointed as hall monitor to keep people from stealing stuff out of lockers, but you’re the main one who’s stealing stuff out of lockers.

I believe Officer Starling just became the poster boy for conflict of interest.

Associated note: Starling’s cousin, an FBI agent named Clarice, was unavailable for comment. She was reportedly seen dining on liver, fava beans, and a nice Sonoma County Chianti.

What’s Up With That? #81: Dude, the chainsaw seems like overkill

Posted August 24, 2009 by swanshadow
Categories: Aimless Riffing, My Home Town, Ripped From the Headlines, Taking Umbrage, What's Up With That?

If you live outside the greater San Francisco Bay Area, you might not have heard about the 17-year-old yahoo (no relation) who attempted to blow up a local high school this morning.

Armed with 1o pipe bombs strapped to a tactical vest, a two-foot samurai sword, and a chainsaw — just in case he decided to hack up some firewood in the midst of the mayhem, I guess — the former student at San Mateo’s Hillsdale High managed to avoid doing any harm or serious property damage, despite setting off a pair of his homemade firecrackers in a corridor.

Law enforcement descended on the school en masse, swiftly capturing the teenage suspect and hauling his stupid butt off to the hoosegow.

The school was evacuated for the remainder of the day. Classes are expected to resume tomorrow.

I went searching for the stereotypical quote in the afternoon stories on the local news sites. I didn’t have to look any further than the Chronicle:

“He was just a really quiet kid. Not many friends. He kept to himself,” said April De Guzman, who lives nearby and has known the suspect since middle school.

Didn’t you just know that someone was going to say those exact words?

Here’s an idea: We should proactively round up all the quiet, friendless loners in America, and lock them up somewhere. They’re the ones who always seem to be pulling these insane stunts.

I believe Alcatraz is available.